I want to remember signing you out of those history classes, and you calling me your hero. Seeing you at that Halloween party and hearing you tell someone I gave you the idea to go as a clown. The irony of my saying "I hate you" that night. I let you, a clown, walk me home.
Your text telling me "anything for you" before you came over later, after you'd gone back to the party. Sitting next to me on my couch while I talked through that entire movie. Asking me "what would happen if I kissed you?" before you did it. How you ad-libbed that frozen movie scene to tell me it was okay that you hadn't gotten what you thought you were at my apartment for.
If not for you I never would have started going out to bars. I want to remember how when I finally got there that first time, you turned to me and said "You made it here alive" in an I-told-you-so voice. How at 3am you leaned against the table and said you were going home. Getting in your car and how awkward I felt.
I want to remember you encouraging me in your strange, disparaging way, and telling me what I needed to hear so I could get over whenever I felt like a failure. How you insisted I was normal and I could act like it if I tried. All those text messages in the wee hours. 5 AM sucks without you.
Sitting at the dinner table with you and my crush and just enjoying the sound of your voices. Poking you with my new umbrella and how you said you could hardly tell I was there because I was doing my "not talking thing." How you told me in a text later that I should have spoken up about wanting you to come back to my apartment that night. Not that you would have, but...
Those are the things I want to remember. Not the disappointment or the anger or the confusion. Just the good things. You're an asshole and I miss you.