that guy

we're kind of talking again, again, etc.

ohhh you.

He was so decent toward me. He didn't try to push sex on me, he just encouraged me and made me think I could be normal if I worked at it hard enough. He was up-front about his intentions and he was the one saying "wait, this may not be a good idea" when I was drunk and trying too hard lol... he acted like he cared in this strange way that I related to very well, and it worked for me.

And personality-wise he was all these things I either wasn't, or was inside but hid well. Lol. He's musical and loves to cook. He's fanatical about baseball and drinks like a fish. He's such a curmudgeon but it makes me laugh. And he listens to old country music and other music not a lot of people I know like...

what I want to remember

I want to remember signing you out of those history classes, and you calling me your hero. Seeing you at that Halloween party and hearing you tell someone I gave you the idea to go as a clown. The irony of my saying "I hate you" that night. I let you, a clown, walk me home.

Your text telling me "anything for you" before you came over later, after you'd gone back to the party. Sitting next to me on my couch while I talked through that entire movie. Asking me "what would happen if I kissed you?" before you did it. How you ad-libbed that frozen movie scene to tell me it was okay that you hadn't gotten what you thought you were at my apartment for.

If not for you I never would have started going out to bars. I want to remember how when I finally got there that first time, you turned to me and said "You made it here alive" in an I-told-you-so voice. How at 3am you leaned against the table and said you were going home. Getting in your car and how awkward I felt.

I want to remember you encouraging me in your strange, disparaging way, and telling me what I needed to hear so I could get over whenever I felt like a failure. How you insisted I was normal and I could act like it if I tried. All those text messages in the wee hours. 5 AM sucks without you.

Sitting at the dinner table with you and my crush and just enjoying the sound of your voices. Poking you with my new umbrella and how you said you could hardly tell I was there because I was doing my "not talking thing." How you told me in a text later that I should have spoken up about wanting you to come back to my apartment that night. Not that you would have, but...

Those are the things I want to remember. Not the disappointment or the anger or the confusion. Just the good things. You're an asshole and I miss you.

an earthy metaphor

I was trying to explain to a friend how my feelings/sense of emotions works. Basically, I used the earth and its layers as a metaphor. Except I didn't use the scientific words, I just used outer, middle, and core.

My outer layer is mostly fake/exaggerated emotional response, for the benefit of people I associate with. I get tired of being called a robot, too.

My middle layer is the widest. It's my mostly emotionless self, which is truer than my outer layer. But it's mostly a defense mechanism to keep people away from my core.

My core is the emotional life I've been working with since elementary school. I'm excruciatingly sensitive and empathic... I feel other people's emotions so intensely and so personally I have often questioned whether I ever really experience feelings of my own.

Most people only make it to the middle layer. But when people I care about come to me with their emotional crises, that shit gets to my core. I am sensitive, and I care, but you have to be special to me to see my legitimately sensitive side. (On some level I care about everyone, otherwise why would I bother with them?)

my xanga & I

We need to get reacquainted.